Keep the helmet ON!

Let's face it; athletes can be really hot. As a job requirement, they have to be in shape, so the body is wicked fine; they have the capital to spend money on self-enhancing treatments on a regular basis (facials, mani/pedis, botox, etc.), so the face usually looks fairly good; and they can hire stylists to make sure that they’re dressed in flattering, in-style threads. So how is it that so many players out there look so ridiculously sexy on television/at the ballpark during their at-bat, and then once the helmet comes off… disaster strikes.

For example, let’s take my #1 Pookie, Mark Teixeira. When this man is at bat, I want to have his children. I know he’s married and has two kids already, but I can’t help it! His legs and tuchas look amazing, his shoulders look like they belong on Atlas, and his determined look as he stares down the pitcher just makes me melt. Observe the picture on the left -- absolute hot, rippling, Yankee masculinity (albeit in Angels gear). Now observe the photo on the right. Where did the hotness go?!

Oddly enough, the same thing goes for my #2 Pookie, Brett Gardner. Thankfully, Brett doesn’t have any wives or kids (that I know of) to make my lust a guilty one. He has those traditionally American rugged good looks that make me pray he gets to first so the cameras can linger on him a little longer as he steals the other bases. You can’t argue with me when you look at the first picture below. Then you have to ask me to get my head examined when you glance at the photo beneath it. I can’t blame you.

I’ve saved my ultimate example for last. 2009 AL MVP Joe Mauer is so good looking I can almost forgive him for trying to knock out my Yankees last post-season… and attempting to do it again in 2010. His smile could inspire me to do just about anything (short of moving to Minneapolis). I mean look:

I can’t put just one photo of this guy; it would be a disservice to women and gay-kind worldwide.

The man makes catching sexy (sorry Jorge and Gazoo). But then tragedy -- the man takes off his catcher’s helmet and all sex appeal just melts away. How is this even possible? What is it about a simple hat or helmet that transforms these men into gods on earth? The face doesn’t go away, nor does the body (thank goodness!), but the innate primal desire to jump the well-formed bones of these men surely does once they’ve returned to the dugout and placed their batting helmet in their nook. Is it just a matter of a poor haircut or unfortunate hairline? I think it has to be more than that, but I cannot place my finger on the source of this dilemma. What I do know is an easy solution: glue their helmets to their heads.